Quality

I've been seeing this string of words, posted as a photo every so often recently on Instagram and Facebook. Of course, now I can't find it to post it but it says something along the lines of:

"Maybe your love isn't the problem, maybe it's the quality of people you're loving."

That's what I woke up with in my head this morning. And I'm torn. I genuinely believe everyone serves a purpose and everyone deserves love. Yet in keeping with the theme of my last post and believing things are never in our heads unnecessarily, I have to sit here and question the quality of nutrition I've allowed myself to digest in recent times. At this point, I don't feel I have room or time for anything not reciprocated.

As I sat at the beach the other day a friend called and ecstatically shared very personal news that she hadn't shared with anyone else. It was an honor, the level of trust she bestowed me and that I was the first she wanted to spill to. We've spoken maybe twice in like 7 months. She is a being who is living authentically, following her heart and though she may have a protective bubble being extremely sensitive, she doesn't have walls. She faces her true self and thus has no issues with facing others. She sees and honors the divinity in me and I in her.

And then I came home to a Facebook message from a very old friend. We'd had a falling out for reasons I don't remember. His short message requesting information of a mutual acquaintance placed the past in front of my face. He had written me a message in 2009 that I had never responded to. I used to make a habit of not dealing with any perceived conflict, not addressing anything that would make me overly emotional as I was already emotional enough. As I read his message from 2009, he said to me "I had never been so honest to a single human being including myself". That statement hit and vibrated through every cell in my body.

After being (I believe) unintentionally gaslit for the past few years by several people, somehow, someway my head was scrambled into believing I was somehow lying to myself. Constantly questioning, what is it they're seeing that I'm not? What am I lying to myself about? And confusion only made me vibrate lower than I naturally do, drawing even more liars into my life. Like does attract like after all.

I woke up this morning with a swollen heart. I cried for those I love so dearly and for myself. For naively allowing myself to be gaslit. Projection is a tricky one but my eyes feel more open now than ever before and I'm confident in the hand I hold and know what it is I emit. Just because I see people's higher selves, doesn't mean they do and while I'll always feel a devotion to those I love, I've come to the conclusion that liars and gas lighters need to be kept at a distance. I only wish to be surrounded by people living authentically. People who are honest with themselves and thus honest with me. People who believe in themselves and believe in magic. Those with open minds who trust themselves and in turn trust those around them. Maktub.

I'm going hunting... I'm the hunter.

Yesterday concluded a chapter and a lesson that had weaved it's way through several chapters prior, beginning I believe, when I moved to New York. Somehow I shapeshifted into a scavenger rather than a hunter.

Last week at work our new vet tech was explaining to me how stray dogs will literally eat rocks if they can't find meat. Just so that there's something in their stomach. Something to weigh them down offering the illusion of being full. While I can't say I've even metaphorically eaten rocks, I definitely have scavenged and accepted whatever I could find regardless of the quality of nutrition it offered me. When you feel like you're starving, I suppose anything will do and my tendency to "find the good" in everything didn't help my cause. I fucking missed being a hunter.

So yesterday I quit my job. Like so many other things I accepted over the past few years, it was a position or role I was cast into by others rather than one I wanted and chose for myself. I felt empowered by my decision knowing that I deserve more across the board and proud for standing up for myself. As I relayed what happened afterwards to my best friend, all kinds of things that ended in my favor that I had forgotten returned to the forefront of my mind and I felt yet another surge of power. Yesterday I was fire. And it's only just begun.

While addressing a complaint he had a few weeks ago, it became clear I had the same complaint. We allow ourselves limitations for a myriad of reasons. Either we don't feel worthy of something greater, or we end up feeling responsible for someone else's happiness, or we feel we must adhere to the rules we've agreed to. Yet, at any time, we can change our course. My excuse in NY was that I had to wait my lease out, when in fact the management company was perfectly fine with signing it over to someone else. I set myself free by communicating what I wanted, what I knew my soul needed. Life always helps you out when you allow your heart to guide you. The universe does in fact conspire and bend to your will.

And so once again I set myself free from the limitations I imposed upon myself. Blank slate on which to create. It's hunting season and the earth is ripe for fertilization.