I have to write. I must force myself over this hump. 3 years feels like eternity without my voice. I don't know exactly when it happened or how but I feel very much like Ariel in reverse. I've been immersed in this ocean where I've met lovely characters, observed their stories, even learned how to better communicate without words. But it's like I communicate in hieroglyphics. Life communicates with me that way as well, which is something so immensely beautiful and breathtaking...words would only limit the experience if I tried to explain. Maybe that's part of this hump. I truly enjoy being a mermaid.
I only have flashes of memories growing up, but the most vivid all include water. Every summer we drove up to Calistoga where there was (and hopefully still is) an olympic size swimming pool that was filled with water from the local natural hot springs. I wished I could grow gills and live in that water. I trained myself to hold my breath long enough to swim the length of the pool, gliding along the bottom mermaid style. And when I reached the deep end, I'd lie on my back and just take in the sunlight, watching my silver air bubbles shimmy to the surface. Underwater, sounds are literally drowned out, everything moves so...fluidly and Neptune's veil filters everything visually. Submerged in this world of feeling is orgasmic.
Though I haven't been lying at the bottom of a pool or sea or ocean recently, in a sensory manner that's how I've existed. I come up for air and share my voice with very few people. But it's been a nagging theme which tells me it's time to change something.
My best friend from high-school just moved to New York a few months ago and in reminiscing with her, she insisted we were suspended from school twice. I only remember 1 of those times, but my mom confirmed the second bursting into, "Don't you remember? You researched the rule book and threw it down in front of the dean insisting you had every right to do what you did. You even protested a week long suspension stating the football players who had made the local news for assault were only suspended for a day." Apparently I was a feisty little bitch with the voice of a lion.
Words. They used to come so easily. I have 6 unpublished drafts from the past year for this blog, the first of which begins:
"What happens to the characters when a writer loses their voice?"
Well, they no longer shape the story. In fact, they walk off set and the writer then becomes someone else's character. At least, that's been my experience. Which was an interesting one. You can learn a lot by observing, going with the flow and playing the role others cast you into. Yes, I love that at one point I was a fiery young maiden who couldn't be silenced. But in a lot of ways silence has taught me how to temper that fire a bit and better choose what to put out.
Now I can feel that time creeping up. Fucking Saturn. For those of you familiar with astrology, in the past 3 years he's moved through my natal Jupiter, Ascendant and Saturn and due to retrograde periods he's become quite cozy with Pluto, Venus and now Mercury. Big Daddy Saturn and I have been very intimate and now with him conjunct my mercury for the second time this year, the urge to be vocal is bubbling up from the deep.
I created this blog and moved my Youtube channel in an attempt to drop the chains. To talk about and show whatever I wanted. So it shall be.