Sunday, February 9, 2014

"I knew myself before I knew anyone..."

I remember getting a t shirt as a birthday present from some classmate at my 10th birthday party. It was white and had a photo of a shopping bag with the words "I shop, therefore I am" across the chest.

Am...what? That shirt bothered me for years. I remember asking my parents what it meant and not receiving an answer. Long after the shirt met the end of its days in my world, it's ghost would still saunter through my memory banks teasing my brain about what those words meant and what an odd present it seemed to be for a 10 year old.

This happened from time to time for 17 years until I took a philosophy class and was introduced to Descartes. Only then did the phrase finally, kinda make sense. Though I know it was a play on his words, the choice of "shop" still left me pissed.

This past week was a nuclear week which doesn't happen too often. My sister came to visit and thus the core energy I grew up with, sans any additives, was present. Of course we've all shifted in one way or another over the years so while it may not be the exact interaction, it was still some form of it and quite revealing. I saw behaviors displayed that I had adopted at one point in my life.
"Ohhh so that's where that came from!"
And I'd think to a time when I had exhibited the same behavior and remembered hating myself in the process because it didn't feel right, but it didn't feel like it was something I could stop myself from expressing. And then I'd suddenly feel stronger, realizing that wasn't my innate, core behavior but rather something I'd learned, which meant I could drop it.

The "identity crisis" continues...In an appropriately Uranian kinda way I changed my profile on both twitter and Instagram to say a single word. I don't know who reads those things or if anyone even does but summing myself up with a list of terms to define myself just felt so wrong all of a sudden.

With mercury retrograde my sister visiting felt like a catalyst. Reminding me of what I am, who I am, ways in which I am and conversely reminding me what I am not, who I am not and ways in which I am not. All those "nots" are mostly my mother. Some are negative, others positive but none are truly my own organic unique energy. Watching old videos, viewing old photographs and laying in bed with my sister I'm reminded of who I was before I began to adopt personality traits that aren't actually mine.

I am feisty and playful and my silliness can border on nerdiness. I laugh a lot at tension in a room because it feels ridiculous and tickles me. I am strong and confident 95% of the time. My favorite past time is allowing myself to take flight and get lost in realms of possibility. I am air headed. Spirit lives through me. I am a dreamer. I am endlessly curious. I am stubborn. I know what I want and how I want it. I am flexible. I am strong willed. I believe in the mystical. I am the mystical. I am a caretaker. I am filled with love. I am a hopeless romantic. I enjoy challenging the world from time to time. I am a pot stirrer. I am extremely sensual. I am a creator. I understand more than I ever let on.

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