I've been seeing this string of words, posted as a photo every so often recently on Instagram and Facebook. Of course, now I can't find it to post it but it says something along the lines of:
"Maybe your love isn't the problem, maybe it's the quality of people you're loving."
That's what I woke up with in my head this morning. And I'm torn. I genuinely believe everyone serves a purpose and everyone deserves love. Yet in keeping with the theme of my last post and believing things are never in our heads unnecessarily, I have to sit here and question the quality of nutrition I've allowed myself to digest in recent times. At this point, I don't feel I have room or time for anything not reciprocated.
As I sat at the beach the other day a friend called and ecstatically shared very personal news that she hadn't shared with anyone else. It was an honor, the level of trust she bestowed me and that I was the first she wanted to spill to. We've spoken maybe twice in like 7 months. She is a being who is living authentically, following her heart and though she may have a protective bubble being extremely sensitive, she doesn't have walls. She faces her true self and thus has no issues with facing others. She sees and honors the divinity in me and I in her.
And then I came home to a Facebook message from a very old friend. We'd had a falling out for reasons I don't remember. His short message requesting information of a mutual acquaintance placed the past in front of my face. He had written me a message in 2009 that I had never responded to. I used to make a habit of not dealing with any perceived conflict, not addressing anything that would make me overly emotional as I was already emotional enough. As I read his message from 2009, he said to me "I had never been so honest to a single human being including myself". That statement hit and vibrated through every cell in my body.
After being (I believe) unintentionally gaslit for the past few years by several people, somehow, someway my head was scrambled into believing I was somehow lying to myself. Constantly questioning, what is it they're seeing that I'm not? What am I lying to myself about? And confusion only made me vibrate lower than I naturally do, drawing even more liars into my life. Like does attract like after all.
I woke up this morning with a swollen heart. I cried for those I love so dearly and for myself. For naively allowing myself to be gaslit. Projection is a tricky one but my eyes feel more open now than ever before and I'm confident in the hand I hold and know what it is I emit. Just because I see people's higher selves, doesn't mean they do and while I'll always feel a devotion to those I love, I've come to the conclusion that liars and gas lighters need to be kept at a distance. I only wish to be surrounded by people living authentically. People who are honest with themselves and thus honest with me. People who believe in themselves and believe in magic. Those with open minds who trust themselves and in turn trust those around them. Maktub.