Sunday, August 24, 2014

Melting the moon and swallowing shadows

It began one and a half moon cycles ago. I'm not sure why that Capricorn moon was so potent in shifting things but that's when I first began noticing the change. He was grumpy and virtually non responsive. It's funny how attached to people I still get. When I look at the number of those no longer in my life you'd think I'd learn to deal with people with a sense of detachment.

Whether he was aware of it or not, we had spent the previous 3 full moons together. "Can you see her yet? She's beautiful here." Despite the distance between us, photos were sent, conversations bounced back and forth all night through text and he serenaded me every time. My phone rang and music began to play. I'd picture him holding his phone up to his speaker and smile at the simple romanticism of it. They were all love songs with intense beats and soulful lyrics.

Coming from a man who I've struggled with since we met and whom I've loved more intensely than I've ever known before, I valued those moments maybe more than I should have. I honestly don't know. Either way when none of this happened in July I wondered if it was a fluke and tried to talk myself out of feeling disappointed. We began to plan travel together and therein began the disagreements and sponging each other's emotions...

After struggling in a more intimate manner for the past few years I've come to realize that we are catalysts for one another. For as much laughter, love, intense lust, and lighthearted silliness as we can share, there's been just as much darkness. We provoke each other like no other and for me, keen on shedding my skin and growing, I'd have it no other way. I value him immensely as he is the one who stands up to me and shows me what I'm not seeing about myself. One of my "problems" or rather part of my imbalance has been loving him to the detriment of loving myself. I was choosing someone else rather than myself. This has happened at numerous points in my life but only through the shadow he and I shared was I able to really truly clearly understand this and then transmute all the reasons as to why I was doing this. And it only took 4 years. :) It's that whole "put your own oxygen mask on first" thing. Which I love to preach to those around me who complain that I'm selfish but it was made glaringly clear to me that I wasn't actually following that "rule".

Two and a half moons cycles later and I'm finding myself overflowing with love. The kind that I haven't felt in awhile. The fearless kind. The unconditional kind. The kind that gives you enough adrenaline to lift a car and save a life. I woke up right before the earthquake this morning and as everything rocked and rolled I felt the shift in my soul. My heart cracked open and I knew it was time to speak my truth and be confident in living it trusting that all the pieces would fall where they're supposed to. Tonight I spoke what needed to be said rather than cowering passively as I had become so accustomed to doing. I lied to the world and myself for too long and it's been a tiring few years of sitting pretty afraid to offend anyone and lose them. I am not that weak girl ashamed of her voice or thoughts or desires or intuition anymore. I don't even know when I became her but I've loved the strength back into her.

On the cusp of this new Virgin moon, I'm exploding with energy as though it were a full one. I've healed myself and now it's time to truly help others the way I've been training to.

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