Fuel, Family and other musings

Yesterday I left the city of Angels, bound for the city I was born in who's name literally translates to "Saint Free Man". As I walked to the train station, I saw a beautiful bright white kitty across the street, ahead of me. She wasn't in my path and I was on a mission to get to the rental car place so I decided against crossing the street to greet her. Almost immediately after I made up my mind, I feel a set of paws on the back of my thigh. A fluffy beige and white dog of some sort had come up behind me wanting pets. As I turned to bend down and return his affection, the white kitty appeared on my other side. Simultaneously, they had both approached me wanting love. She rubbed against my leg and threw herself on the ground wiggling around staring at me with bright blue oceanic eyes. He licked my hand and leaned into me looking up with those love filled eyes that dogs have.

I smiled to myself and at them. I felt like both sides of me were coming together again. Finally.

4 days earlier a photographer I worked with in NY posted 24hoursofhappy.com on Facebook. A song I only sadly became aware of a few months ago, I immediately had to watch it as the man is a genius whom I've always loved and lived for his creations. Watch it or don't but I did for exactly 1 hour and 6 minutes. The song is so uplifting and so positive and so addicting that it doesn't annoy me on repeat. Anyway, the whole point is that after meeting these animals, I rode the gold line which I had never done, down to Union station, where I had never been. And when I stepped off, I realized that Union Station was where Pharrell had filmed his portion (and a few others) of the music video. Because I'm a huge dork and felt the strongest sense of déjà vu, of course I immediately began to blast the song in my headphones. And 10 seconds later, the one person I love most in life aside from myself called. We rarely have the pleasure of speaking on the phone so I was taken aback. Dizzy and overwhelmed with a feeling I cannot even attempt to describe, I attempted to babble to him and explain about this waking dream I was in the middle of but don't think I succeeded. It was nothing short of amazing. My mood and everything that was happening around me could be summed up by the song that I felt like in some weird way I was in the middle of the music video for. Like it was my turn. (if you watch the video, you'll understand what I mean.) Life led me to that exact location days after becoming aware of it's existence.

The drive home took 6 hours and thus gave me time completely to myself to ponder everything and anything. When I initially moved to LA, everyone asked me why. I asked myself the same question. The only truthful answer was that I was done living in New York and I had always wanted to do a cross country road trip. So when my friends invited me to move with them, I was more than happy to join the adventure. Yet once we landed, I felt like a fish out of water. I have a birds sense of direction and can get myself anywhere, rarely getting lost yet the word of the year came up time and time again. Value. Did I really want to spend 2 hours commuting by bus to a job I didn't want to have to pay for a room I didn't want to be in? It didn't make sense. And yet sometimes, we need to land in the "wrong" place to illuminate where we should be.

I don't know if I've ever met anyone as family oriented as my two friends I drove cross country with. Where I've longed to spread my wings and leave the nest time and time again, this was his first time truly doing so. While in NY he would talk of LA and his family constantly, telling stories of his youth and showing me photos of this beautiful place he called home. She was completely unreachable when home as if her phone didn't even exist because family commanded her attention and there was something so beautiful about that to me. Living in a house with the two of them along with another family made up of a grandmother, mother and two young boys, I was more or less adopted. And yet, I felt like the odd woman out. It wasn't until visiting a home away from home that I realized I might just be in the wrong place.

In San Francisco, I always knew who I was and believed in myself wholeheartedly. Regardless of the various "versions" of myself that I tried on over the years, I was always supported and that support gave me the freedom and comfort to express and explore myself completely. Something as simple as the support of my family was always my fuel, though it took me 33 years to realize it. Unfortunately, I never really developed a support system in New York. I met a series of sparks that lit me up from time to time and one flame who continues to do so but that was the extent of my family.

And so Dorothy is back in Kansas thanks to the angels. I'm not entirely sure what or who I'll end up transforming myself into this time, but for the first time in what feels like forever, I actually feel supported and as though it's okay to be me.