Midnight musings

I weaved my way through the flailing sea of bodies splashed with light and color, shrouded in sound and sweat, dripping with sexuality. Amidst the chaos, I mused to myself how well I moved despite how much time had passed. Though I was out of shape, in some way I am now even more precise with my movements than I was before. Surveying the crowd before me, this entire scene was my definition of an absolute nightmare while in New York and I was proud to be navigating it as well as I did.

I don't know how or why I came to feel as I did living out east but much like an addict who couldn't leave home without drugs, it came to be that I rarely left home without protection. Whether that protection was a hood for my head, headphones for my ears, herbs or any combination of crystals worn in my bra or carried in my pocket, I nearly alway had a defense mechanism on me. I always trust my instincts so I know these things were necessary to balance out the energy fields around me at the time so it amused me that last night enveloped in a sea of utter revelry and chaos, I didn't feel I needed any of them.

This isn't to say I've reverted back to allowing everything into my bubble though. I suppose my bubble just feels stronger organically as it is without the need for added assistance. It's an odd paradox as my body feels more tired - unaccustomed to this environment, yet my mind and spirit are strong enough to handle it.

Sunday a guy stopped me while I was working inquiring about my sexuality and "situation". Over the course of the next few hours he stopped me every opportunity he could in an attempt to gain more insight into what I was about and to sell himself to me. "How are you satisfied sexually?" While this question would have offended me in a major way in the past, I simply retorted that it was a loaded question and not appropriate to be asking. "But this environment is a sexually charged one." Looking around, I realized that what he said was true and that statement woke me up a bit. After spending years of my life laboring away at the club, it was an aspect I suppose I had forgotten as my purpose there 9 times out of 10 was simply to make money.

His statement and questions returned to my brain as I walked around working last night after having several women make the same inquiry. And then her words echoed in my head.
"I never realized how unfulfilling it is to be with someone lacking depth."
What did it feel like exactly? Explain.
"It felt like part of me was missing. I tried to share all of myself but she just didn't get it. She couldn't. She wasn't capable, so I just stopped talking. It was unbelievably frustrating once I came to the realization. I'm so happy you're back."

Her feeling is one I haven't known for years but I remember the frustration. I remember in some way feeling bad and almost...pity? That pity kept me beside the individual in some way for years. But once I finally let that relationship go, I was more aware of the quality of connection I desired and never settled for less.

As I worked last night, the last moments of the year brought to light how much I've changed. Walking through memories in a space that held so many, I was reminded of what I want, what I need and proud that I haven't settled. Where some seek to explore and live "freely" sexually, indulging in whatever or whomever their senses are delighted by in the moment, I'm now at a point where my bubble is strong and purposeful. I have spent years purging my spirit and don't want to create astral attachments based in momentary carnal attraction. I used to scoff at religion and the idea of waiting to have sex until marriage. I still scoff at religion and don't believe in waiting until marriage but over the past few years I've realized and directly felt the sacred quality that exists when you share sexual energy with a person. As a woman, to allow a person to physically enter me means that I am also allowing their spirit, their soul, their beliefs, their desires, their fears, their emotions, their feelings, their needs to exist within me. We essentially become tied to one another in the astral realm for a time. Through the act of sex, I make space for them to exist within me. As a selfish person, that's kind of a big deal in my world as I don't have time nor energy to deal with most people's shit. I will not risk attaching myself to anyone lacking depth for momentary pleasure.

Reflecting upon my growth, I realized I'm finally gaining ground again. I feel confident and comfortable and strong in my decisions and my existence. Part of me died last year and it feels like she's finally been laid to rest. I think I'll grow quite fond of her replacement.

The key to seeing is believing

My hair was curly when I woke up this morning. Maybe not ringlet curly, but certainly wavy and wild, holding some semblance of electricity lending a feeling that something was different. I've been sleeping on my back. It's not my favorite position to sleep in but it's the most comfortable I can get for now and regardless every morning since I've moved I have woken up to find my bangs bent in some way as though I've been sleeping directly on them. Today though all my bangs were in place, I woke to a wild mane.

A few years ago I was on my way back home to Brooklyn from a friends house. I had been in between jobs and scrambling to try and make ends meet, pleading with the universe to in some way, somehow help me. While at her house, in the midst of my frustrated "What am I going to do?" meltdown, a bar regular who we both knew texted my friend asking for my information because he wanted to hire me for makeup on a girl group he was recording with. Problem (temporarily) solved. So I'm on my way home and the man sitting next to me got up at one of the stops. Out of the corner of my eye I see a tangled something dressed in that yellow/green glow in the dark kind of color that had revealed itself when the man got up. Ever curious, I picked it up, untangled it and it quickly took its proper form, a star. It was one of those shape bracelets that were popular a few years back. In that moment I felt like Mario and began to laugh. I had found an invincibility star while on the Path! (I was riding the Path train from NJ-NY)


Fast forward 7 months to October 2011

Prospect Park. One of the reasons I loved my first Brooklyn apartment was purely because of its proximity to this emerald. I can't explain my draw to it but this park has pulled me into it since I first visited Brooklyn, before ever moving. One fall afternoon a friend and I were wandering through per usual and the day was already demonstrating itself to be of the wonder filled variety. A rainbow orb, which I had never seen before nor since embraced the sky above us. The sun was not at its center. It was solely a perfect ring of color. A few minutes after noticing the prism in the sky, I saw tiny mushroom "steps" that had grown near the base of a tree. I remember feeling like I was floating, my heart full of wonder and gratitude for the beauty that kept presenting itself to me. As I can easily get carried away floating, I sat at the roots of the tree feeding it water in exchange for providing me with a seat and some grounding. I took the scene in front of me in and conversed a bit with the wind. At some point while looking around, my eyes wandered to my feet and the awe took over. Directly beneath where I sat were a set of keys. Partially buried in the dirt and covered with leaves and grass, they had been there for some time. Only 3 of the 5 were above ground. While the average person might adopt a thought pattern of "Big deal. Someone sat there before and lost their keys.", my own thought pattern and sight had evolved at this point to "What are the odds that in this giant park filled with hundreds, maybe thousands (I don't know), of trees, directly after seeing a rainbow ring in the sky, I sat at this exact spot and found these keys. While some of them were kind of average looking keys, there were two that looked so old and beautiful and I wondered what they all opened. Though I had found other objects since the star, these keys, much like finding the star made me feel as though I were in a real live video game. From that day onward, life began to feel like a scavenger hunt. Each time I found a key,(I found 14 in NY, 1 in Hawaii) I adopted the idea that life was opening some kind of door for me. I was unlocking some part of myself that had been hidden away. I found one before working a very important NYFW show. I found another literally in the middle of a jungle in Hawaii. The last I found in a dark alley while a just eclipsed full moon rose in LA. Until today.


With wide eyes and wild hair for whatever reason I woke up fully energized early this morning. I fed the cats and Scrappy seemed anxious to pee. He's not generally a morning dog and has to be coaxed to go outside but this morning he paced at my side ready to go. As I put his collar and leash on, my Dad tried to insist he'd take him but I shut him down. "He likes to go to the corner where..." and I cut him off saying I always let dogs walk me, that he would take me wherever he wanted to go, it was fine. We walked to the same place he generally goes to and rather than head for the large patch of grass to handle his business he stopped and sat. Looking down, there they were nestled in the dirt. 4 old keys. One coated in rust, all different sizes and types bound together by a rusty old wire. I don't know what they open, I don't care how they got there. I found them, they're mine now and I can't wait to see what they unlock.

I contact

Last night I celebrated the birthday of someone I've known since I was 10. Her actual birthday isn't until Saturday but as I was already up and moving around the city, I went with the flow and accepted the invitation. I wondered who aside from my parents I'd actually see first upon moving back. I didn't think it would be my ex but I guess that's how she wanted it to play out. Walking up the stairs to my old job, though it of course felt familiar, also felt like I was time traveling and had been away for centuries. My attendance had been kept a secret so when I showed my face, the reactions were interesting. My sobriety versus everyone's inebriation and having been gone for so long colored my sight in a hue that had grown in saturation. I felt a sense of sadness at how little appeared to have changed. Yet, there were new dynamics to appreciate and familiar eyes to get found in.

The last year in NY I existed mainly as a hermit. People drained me. The job I had left me stressed, anxiety ridden and exhausted. I spoke with very few people and gave even less my eyes. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul and quite frankly I was too drained to share any more of my soul with anyone never mind desire to take anyone else's in. Last night I realized that it's only really been in the last month that I've engaged in any kind of serious eye contact. Upon visiting my best friend, my eyes felt like they could finally breathe again. He told me my eyes brought him a sense of calm. Which was nice to hear and relieved me after not giving it up for such a long period of time. As a scorpion, eye contact is everything to me. A persons eyes reveal their heart and I had somewhat starved myself.

I don't know why I didn't consider that she would be there last night, but she was. The first person I dated upon re-entering the world after my illness. At the bar she pounced upon seeing me, lifting me off my feet and swinging me around babbling about NY and how long was I in town etc etc. We had an immediate bond when we initially met and went through a few years of awkwardness after our intimacy ceased. I don't remember when that finally healed itself but I had forgotten just how strong our bond was.

The party group moved to my friends house and so we all had a somewhat more quiet environment to hang out in. By this point I had a drink in my system and being a lightweight don't recall how the conversation began, nor a lot of what it was about but what astounded me and sat with me long after was the near uninterrupted direct eye contact that happened throughout the course of our exchange. This doesn't exist with everyone I interact with even when I am feeling up to sharing my soul. Not everyone can handle the intensity so when I find those who can, there's this deep, calm yet exciting warmth that seems to creep through me. There's a recognition that occurs, something clicks and the only words that seem to echo are "I know" as both pairs of eyes smile and beam at each other. It's really more of "I" contact when this happens. Recognizing yourself in another.

The passion of lovers is for death said she

"I only knew what hunted thought
Quickened his step, and why
He looked upon the garish day
With such a wistful eye;
The man had killed the thing he loved
And so he had to die.

Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!"
-Oscar Wilde

One of the last books I (re)read, was The Valkyries by Paulo Coelho. The theme of the book is founded upon the notion that we tend to kill the things we love the most and explores why we commit this crime against ourselves. It tells a story of the author journeying on a road trip with his wife in an attempt to learn how to speak to his angel.

Though nearly every single book of Coelho's has resonated with some part of me at some point in my life, it was this book that caused a vibration to stir deep down inside some place of myself that I had forgotten about. I've been speaking of Venus often and in all fairness if I am to speak of her, I must also speak of him. Pluto. Hades. Whatever name you'd like to attribute to him, he is quite simply the King of the underworld. He is the Grim Reaper and tends to the seeds we plant deep down within our being. He is death. He is sex. He is rebirth. My own view of him is the paternal personification of the dark Mother. He carries his torch within her womb providing nourishment to the pieces of ourselves we may have forgotten about, shoved deep down within.

The way in which my unique energy structure came to enter this life, is with her, Venus, and him, Pluto as eternal playmates, lovers and friends. Attached at the hip, wherever Venus decides to bask in the sunshine, Pluto can be found laying in the shade of an umbrella beside her, hands intertwined, smiling as she beams. Souls within this soul of mine, they are each others mates.

I'm taken back to visions of Mya's video for "My Love is like Whoa". As someone who took tap dance for 13 years, I remember how enamored I was with her bringing a craft I held so close to my heart into mainstream society. On top of the fact that she began the video perched in a zoot suit, smoking a cigar, dressed like a dude and yet oozing with the power of her femininity. The lyrics, well, they speak for themselves. And I remember feeling like somehow she had observed my life and was writing about me. I love hard. Some may say I love too hard. But that's me, it's how I exist and I don't know how else to love. All or nothing. My love is like whoa... I've tried to temper it which does nothing but distort my actions and sentiments.

On twitter recently someone described Pluto as the dark stranger in the alley who sends chills of fear up your spine. I replied that he only manifests as such if you're not in touch with your dark side. I am an avid defender of him as he is so close to my heart. And as a Solar, Mercurial and Uranian Scorpion, (which he rules alongside Mars), he is my light, how I see, how I hear, how I speak, how I love and my vision. I see and I feel the dark side of others. Those pieces they hide away from the world and themselves. It's not always pretty and yet I always see beauty as the struggle to hide away those pieces that are bursting to come forth is such a beautifully arduous process. It's watching cells split beneath a microscope, a seed bursting open and pushing its way through the soil to eventually shoot up towards the sun.

I have found that quite a lot of people, self included, grow afraid of themselves. Why, I cannot answer. As children many of us become afraid of the dark, the monsters under our bed and skeletons in our closet. As someone who loves the dark side of others and someone who loves hard, I've often found myself in a conundrum as people push me away. I don't think I realized that I too, have done it myself over the course of the years. If we can't love ourselves wholly, including our dark side, or more potently, if we for some awful reason feel as though we don't deserve to be loved wholly, then who the hell is this other person to do so. Off with her head! And here's a dagger through the heart as well. Must kill this scary beast.

For some, I believe it's an issue of trust. That was my reason at least. Not knowing what will burst forth from the depths of the underworld can be scary and its a life long process (hopefully). When you don't really take the time to explore every shadow and get to know who you are and accept who you are, how can you trust yourself? And if you can't trust yourself wholly, you can forget about trusting someone else completely. And so the cycle continues. Who is this person? How dare they come shining their light inside my darkness! We then attempt to surround ourselves with people who are content to take us at a superficial level. People who likely wouldn't even understand our dark side if we dared to reveal it. People who quite simply don't ignite our shadows. But the universe is wise and light cannot exist without darkness. She will do as she does and whisper in our ears, send scent filled winds our way and haunt us until we somehow, someway are brought back face to face with our other side.

I'm unsure what my own body count is at exactly but I've maimed quite a few. And in all reality, none of them had to die but they were either pieces of myself that were too painful to admit existed or whom I didn't believe I deserved simply because I did not value myself wholly. As with his book, I too have finally learned how to speak with my angel and from where I stand right now, with Pluto's fingers clutching my own, no one else will die without the other aspect of death which is rebirth.

And somehow, I've stumbled upon a sketch from years ago that resurfaced directly after posting this. Life continues to amuse... :)