Directions by moonlight

I'm amused by any word ending in ion. Comprehension. Relation. Communication. Expression. Direction. And it's only fitting that as a cat woman I'm a fan of cations though I'm aware anions are necessary. Universal balance and all that chemical jazz.

Direction. Upon seeing the postcard I referred to in my last post in full lighting rather than ambient, next to the hummingbird, imprinted were words detailing the energies of the 4 directions:

South - shed your past
West - learn to walk with your shadow
North - Savor the sweetness of living
East - fulfill your destiny

While aware of directional guardians per indigenous belief, (hawks, crows, eagles and owls), I don't think I ever came across the sacred directions defined in such a simple way.

Which led me to wonder...aside from being born with a plethora of energy that's naturally comfortable with the underworld, did I also grow up learning to walk with my shadow being raised out west? Or is west my 0 point and thus any travel in any direction from this point only then harnesses the energies associated with each? Either way, with these directional "definitions" in mind it's interesting to replay my various travels and moves.

Driving southwest from NY I most certainly was shedding and purging. Moving once again and driving north from LA to SF I for sure am savoring the sweetness of living. The interesting thing is that the entire time I was in NY it felt as though I was hardcore learning to walk with my shadow. Perhaps that was a major player in fulfilling my destiny?

I can't be sure at this point though since moving back to SF I've felt far more of a kinship with the sun, while in NY I couldn't help but be obsessed by the moon. On my day off earlier this week I had the urge to replace my moonstone ring. The stone came loose from the setting in LA and they've been separated ever since, sharing a drawer in my jewelry box. At the same store my initial ring came from, I searched the shelves for something similar. I didn't quite understand the moonstone obsession I was feeling (still don't) but it was just something I had to do. Among every single ring in the store, the only one I fell in love with was this.



Something about it just felt right and after all this musing on directions and shadows it seems to make sense. I've finally learned to own my moon; own my shadows.

Midnight musings

I weaved my way through the flailing sea of bodies splashed with light and color, shrouded in sound and sweat, dripping with sexuality. Amidst the chaos, I mused to myself how well I moved despite how much time had passed. Though I was out of shape, in some way I am now even more precise with my movements than I was before. Surveying the crowd before me, this entire scene was my definition of an absolute nightmare while in New York and I was proud to be navigating it as well as I did.

I don't know how or why I came to feel as I did living out east but much like an addict who couldn't leave home without drugs, it came to be that I rarely left home without protection. Whether that protection was a hood for my head, headphones for my ears, herbs or any combination of crystals worn in my bra or carried in my pocket, I nearly alway had a defense mechanism on me. I always trust my instincts so I know these things were necessary to balance out the energy fields around me at the time so it amused me that last night enveloped in a sea of utter revelry and chaos, I didn't feel I needed any of them.

This isn't to say I've reverted back to allowing everything into my bubble though. I suppose my bubble just feels stronger organically as it is without the need for added assistance. It's an odd paradox as my body feels more tired - unaccustomed to this environment, yet my mind and spirit are strong enough to handle it.

Sunday a guy stopped me while I was working inquiring about my sexuality and "situation". Over the course of the next few hours he stopped me every opportunity he could in an attempt to gain more insight into what I was about and to sell himself to me. "How are you satisfied sexually?" While this question would have offended me in a major way in the past, I simply retorted that it was a loaded question and not appropriate to be asking. "But this environment is a sexually charged one." Looking around, I realized that what he said was true and that statement woke me up a bit. After spending years of my life laboring away at the club, it was an aspect I suppose I had forgotten as my purpose there 9 times out of 10 was simply to make money.

His statement and questions returned to my brain as I walked around working last night after having several women make the same inquiry. And then her words echoed in my head.
"I never realized how unfulfilling it is to be with someone lacking depth."
What did it feel like exactly? Explain.
"It felt like part of me was missing. I tried to share all of myself but she just didn't get it. She couldn't. She wasn't capable, so I just stopped talking. It was unbelievably frustrating once I came to the realization. I'm so happy you're back."

Her feeling is one I haven't known for years but I remember the frustration. I remember in some way feeling bad and almost...pity? That pity kept me beside the individual in some way for years. But once I finally let that relationship go, I was more aware of the quality of connection I desired and never settled for less.

As I worked last night, the last moments of the year brought to light how much I've changed. Walking through memories in a space that held so many, I was reminded of what I want, what I need and proud that I haven't settled. Where some seek to explore and live "freely" sexually, indulging in whatever or whomever their senses are delighted by in the moment, I'm now at a point where my bubble is strong and purposeful. I have spent years purging my spirit and don't want to create astral attachments based in momentary carnal attraction. I used to scoff at religion and the idea of waiting to have sex until marriage. I still scoff at religion and don't believe in waiting until marriage but over the past few years I've realized and directly felt the sacred quality that exists when you share sexual energy with a person. As a woman, to allow a person to physically enter me means that I am also allowing their spirit, their soul, their beliefs, their desires, their fears, their emotions, their feelings, their needs to exist within me. We essentially become tied to one another in the astral realm for a time. Through the act of sex, I make space for them to exist within me. As a selfish person, that's kind of a big deal in my world as I don't have time nor energy to deal with most people's shit. I will not risk attaching myself to anyone lacking depth for momentary pleasure.

Reflecting upon my growth, I realized I'm finally gaining ground again. I feel confident and comfortable and strong in my decisions and my existence. Part of me died last year and it feels like she's finally been laid to rest. I think I'll grow quite fond of her replacement.

It's raining cats and dogs!

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

In moving back home I brought both Hydra and Nixie, my two calico kitten sisters. My sisters dog who my mom adopted and renamed, Scrappy, already lives here. Introducing the 3 of them has been and continues to be quite the process but a joy to watch nonetheless. My girls were born with and raised by a dog. Their own mother Luna, was a kitten herself who really couldn't be bothered with her motherly duties aside from feeding them which even then, at times we had to lay her down and pet her so she'd stay still long enough for them to nurse. Ani, their doggie mom, would herd them when they were old enough to walk, constantly counting to make sure none had wandered too far. She groomed them and played with them long after Luna disappeared by jumping out a window. Scrappy too, as a young pup was raised with a cat, Bebe. She was his best friend and the two would spend hours playing together wrestling, tagging each other, stalking and hunting. Yet for Scrappy, that was now almost 4 years ago so his reactions and the way he attempts to play confuses and at times scares my girls and vice versa as he has become accustomed to solely playing with other dogs.

All parts of life reflect or parallel other parts of life, it's just the way the world works if one pays attention. In watching these animals get to know one another: understanding the others movements, vocalizations and boundaries, I can't help but think once again about the shadow side of human beings. Appropriately, anima and animus. Animals operate on instinct and while human beings are animals, our instinct, our collective consciousness for whatever reason has been shoved down deep in the dark and exists as our collective subconsciousness mostly. And so when our animal side peeks its head up from the dark wanting to play, we often have two things working against us. If our animal side hasn't come out to play in a while, we may startle ourselves causing a sense of anxiety because we swear we know ourselves. Simultaneously we may startle others as we haven't shown that side in quite some time. While nothing delights me more than observing animals at play, I have found that just like my kittens and resident dog, it can be a bit of a process.

Most of my life I've been an observer and was deemed shy as a child. In an unfamiliar environment, I am the cat in the shadows inhaling the scents and watching the movements of those around me. My tail does the talking for me. I study their strut, make note of their various play tactics and watch to see where their eyes land. Entering any social gathering really is much like visiting a watering hole deep in the jungle as there are a plethora of species at any given one who all come out to satisfy their thirst and lay in the sun. Once I understand and can identify who's around me I then and only then will drink and play and chase and pounce. There are other animals, much like Scrappy our resident dog who, just as curious as any cat, are namely ruled by their nose and delight themselves in getting closer, quicker, to breathe a little more deeply and understand the scent invading their nostrils a bit better. They are vocal and express themselves through sound howling and barking and whining, tail flip flopping like a metronome.

Both are curious. Both desire to let loose and just play with one another. But for now, in order for that to happen, the cats continue to perch out of reach, study his movements to make sure he won't hurt them, tail talking all the while and he continues to vocalize and smell as best as he can in the distance they've given him. Animals. You've gotta love 'em.