Que sera sera

I've been itching to write. About everything and about nothing. So much has happened since I last wrote yet at the same time nothing has actually changed. Yet. It feels like I'm cooking a feast and have spent days (months?) gathering ingredients, and then more days (months) preparing those ingredients. And for the past 2 weeks I've been slowly beginning to cook each dish for this feast. None of the courses are ready to be served just yet but the various aromas are swirling around, dancing in the air. My skin is soaked in these various scents, I'm hungry and it's almost time to eat... Finally.

Quality

I've been seeing this string of words, posted as a photo every so often recently on Instagram and Facebook. Of course, now I can't find it to post it but it says something along the lines of:

"Maybe your love isn't the problem, maybe it's the quality of people you're loving."

That's what I woke up with in my head this morning. And I'm torn. I genuinely believe everyone serves a purpose and everyone deserves love. Yet in keeping with the theme of my last post and believing things are never in our heads unnecessarily, I have to sit here and question the quality of nutrition I've allowed myself to digest in recent times. At this point, I don't feel I have room or time for anything not reciprocated.

As I sat at the beach the other day a friend called and ecstatically shared very personal news that she hadn't shared with anyone else. It was an honor, the level of trust she bestowed me and that I was the first she wanted to spill to. We've spoken maybe twice in like 7 months. She is a being who is living authentically, following her heart and though she may have a protective bubble being extremely sensitive, she doesn't have walls. She faces her true self and thus has no issues with facing others. She sees and honors the divinity in me and I in her.

And then I came home to a Facebook message from a very old friend. We'd had a falling out for reasons I don't remember. His short message requesting information of a mutual acquaintance placed the past in front of my face. He had written me a message in 2009 that I had never responded to. I used to make a habit of not dealing with any perceived conflict, not addressing anything that would make me overly emotional as I was already emotional enough. As I read his message from 2009, he said to me "I had never been so honest to a single human being including myself". That statement hit and vibrated through every cell in my body.

After being (I believe) unintentionally gaslit for the past few years by several people, somehow, someway my head was scrambled into believing I was somehow lying to myself. Constantly questioning, what is it they're seeing that I'm not? What am I lying to myself about? And confusion only made me vibrate lower than I naturally do, drawing even more liars into my life. Like does attract like after all.

I woke up this morning with a swollen heart. I cried for those I love so dearly and for myself. For naively allowing myself to be gaslit. Projection is a tricky one but my eyes feel more open now than ever before and I'm confident in the hand I hold and know what it is I emit. Just because I see people's higher selves, doesn't mean they do and while I'll always feel a devotion to those I love, I've come to the conclusion that liars and gas lighters need to be kept at a distance. I only wish to be surrounded by people living authentically. People who are honest with themselves and thus honest with me. People who believe in themselves and believe in magic. Those with open minds who trust themselves and in turn trust those around them. Maktub.

I'm going hunting... I'm the hunter.

Yesterday concluded a chapter and a lesson that had weaved it's way through several chapters prior, beginning I believe, when I moved to New York. Somehow I shapeshifted into a scavenger rather than a hunter.

Last week at work our new vet tech was explaining to me how stray dogs will literally eat rocks if they can't find meat. Just so that there's something in their stomach. Something to weigh them down offering the illusion of being full. While I can't say I've even metaphorically eaten rocks, I definitely have scavenged and accepted whatever I could find regardless of the quality of nutrition it offered me. When you feel like you're starving, I suppose anything will do and my tendency to "find the good" in everything didn't help my cause. I fucking missed being a hunter.

So yesterday I quit my job. Like so many other things I accepted over the past few years, it was a position or role I was cast into by others rather than one I wanted and chose for myself. I felt empowered by my decision knowing that I deserve more across the board and proud for standing up for myself. As I relayed what happened afterwards to my best friend, all kinds of things that ended in my favor that I had forgotten returned to the forefront of my mind and I felt yet another surge of power. Yesterday I was fire. And it's only just begun.

While addressing a complaint he had a few weeks ago, it became clear I had the same complaint. We allow ourselves limitations for a myriad of reasons. Either we don't feel worthy of something greater, or we end up feeling responsible for someone else's happiness, or we feel we must adhere to the rules we've agreed to. Yet, at any time, we can change our course. My excuse in NY was that I had to wait my lease out, when in fact the management company was perfectly fine with signing it over to someone else. I set myself free by communicating what I wanted, what I knew my soul needed. Life always helps you out when you allow your heart to guide you. The universe does in fact conspire and bend to your will.

And so once again I set myself free from the limitations I imposed upon myself. Blank slate on which to create. It's hunting season and the earth is ripe for fertilization.

When chaos calls

Today marks the beginning of the astrological new year. The build up of this new moon in Aries conjunct Uranus has led my mind meandering down places forgotten. A friend mentioned she was shopping for Dinah Shore the other day. An event of a past life I had worked twice and hadn't thought about for years.

The second year began for me in complete chaos. I remembered how Danielle drove me half way to the airport only to remember I had forgotten my ID. Needless to say I missed my flight and had to fly solo without the rest of the worker bees. When I got to Palm Springs, I also discovered I had forgotten to bring my main makeup bag and my phone charger. In those days, my main makeup bag was like my holy grail. Among my essentials, it contained my bare canvas paint that I needed if the makeup I applied was to last while working 12+ hours in the heat of Palm Springs. My phone charger made its way down to me the following day with a friend who left later but makeup wise, I was forced to be creative and work with what I had.

There's some quote that floats around from time to time on the web about success is when opportunity meets preparation. While I guess it depends on your definition of success, personally it seems my opportunities have almost always arrived when I wasn't prepared. Perhaps in an attempt to show me what I'm capable of? Idk. But as I looked through past Dinah Shore photos I remembered that was when I was gifted with the opportunity to do makeup on still, the biggest celebrity I've done to date. With very minimal makeup of my own, and no kit as I wasn't anticipating doing anyone's makeup aside from my own, my old coworker who I wasn't even on good terms with called me to ask for help. She hadn't thought she needed any other artists and was faced with the task of doing about 12 faces in an hour and a half for a fashion show at the event. With one kit between the 2 of us we made it happen and I got to do Jenni Shimizu's face.

I doubt I'm alone in the preparedness, or lack there of factor. Where sometimes it is a matter of being prepared - creating space or purchasing tools in anticipation of a project you'd like to see happen, other times I think it's a matter of saying yes to the opportunity and allowing life to then provide you with the tools. Musings of a new moon...

Directions by moonlight

I'm amused by any word ending in ion. Comprehension. Relation. Communication. Expression. Direction. And it's only fitting that as a cat woman I'm a fan of cations though I'm aware anions are necessary. Universal balance and all that chemical jazz.

Direction. Upon seeing the postcard I referred to in my last post in full lighting rather than ambient, next to the hummingbird, imprinted were words detailing the energies of the 4 directions:

South - shed your past
West - learn to walk with your shadow
North - Savor the sweetness of living
East - fulfill your destiny

While aware of directional guardians per indigenous belief, (hawks, crows, eagles and owls), I don't think I ever came across the sacred directions defined in such a simple way.

Which led me to wonder...aside from being born with a plethora of energy that's naturally comfortable with the underworld, did I also grow up learning to walk with my shadow being raised out west? Or is west my 0 point and thus any travel in any direction from this point only then harnesses the energies associated with each? Either way, with these directional "definitions" in mind it's interesting to replay my various travels and moves.

Driving southwest from NY I most certainly was shedding and purging. Moving once again and driving north from LA to SF I for sure am savoring the sweetness of living. The interesting thing is that the entire time I was in NY it felt as though I was hardcore learning to walk with my shadow. Perhaps that was a major player in fulfilling my destiny?

I can't be sure at this point though since moving back to SF I've felt far more of a kinship with the sun, while in NY I couldn't help but be obsessed by the moon. On my day off earlier this week I had the urge to replace my moonstone ring. The stone came loose from the setting in LA and they've been separated ever since, sharing a drawer in my jewelry box. At the same store my initial ring came from, I searched the shelves for something similar. I didn't quite understand the moonstone obsession I was feeling (still don't) but it was just something I had to do. Among every single ring in the store, the only one I fell in love with was this.



Something about it just felt right and after all this musing on directions and shadows it seems to make sense. I've finally learned to own my moon; own my shadows.

Sonoluminescence

While sound is always relevant in any beings life, it's seemed to step to the forefront of my sensual experience in recent years and become oh so strong in recent months. Or perhaps it's just that I've learned to listen with my eyes too?

A few days ago I was fed some graphic image on Facebook detailing sonoluminescence which as synchronicity would have it, is characterized by an equation attributed to Lord Rayleigh who continuously pops up in my world. He's one of my favorite spirit animals. Anyhow, sonoluminescence is pretty much seeing sound. The burst of light seen only occurs because it's caused by sound.

A few weeks ago I attended a shamanic circle and in between journeys a postcard somehow ended up on the couch I was lying on. In the dim ambient lighting I was able to make out a hummingbird. They've been visiting me ever since landing in LA and actually, to be more precise I traveled across the country with one in human form. Now in SF, they've continued to visit periodically. After one of the journeys, we shared in groups of 3 and one of my trio recounted how his clan had dressed him like a samurai and showed him proper posturing, telling him he needs to begin presenting himself to the world in this manner. I shared how generally in my visions I only see faces and while I greet each animals I meet whether in waking life or the astral realm, I rarely recall actually conversing with them in a vocal manner. The man who shared his samurai vision suggested I ask "may I see all of you?" and that I vocally converse with them.

The next morning I had my coffee outside before getting ready for work and a hummingbird joined me. I greeted him, said good morning and asked if I could get closer and see all of him. With 2 feet between us he began to chirp and talk and danced around hovering in front of me beating his tiny wings revealing the brilliant red feathers hidden beneath the green. And then from somewhere in the corners of my memory I pulled the statement I had read about them being warrior birds and laughed to myself recalling the samurai vision shared with me. 5 mins later, out of the blue my hummingbird human friend texted me "The Aztecs believed that warriors came back as Hummingbirds after they died." A giant swirl of synchronicity and animal medicine. *swoon*

I've since taught myself to speak parts of their language, mimicking their sound. And though I have no clue what I may be saying, I think certain thoughts while I vocalize and they respond every time diving into my field of view and showing me all of themselves. Morning coffee outside has slowly become a ritual and other animals join me as well. Sonoluminescence. Talk to the animals. They'll respond so long as love and respect for their being are present in your vocalizations.

Astral Adventures/Dream Backlog

Night of 2/23 - Morning of 2/24
I've just moved into a new home and we've spent most of our day in the living room unpacking, dealing with stuff etc. Walking into the bedroom, it's night and there's neon lights coming through the window. I glance out to see some kind of animal experience happening. There's 3 guys in wetsuits and otters and dolphins playing with them in the harbor. I open the window and salty air floods my nostrils as I smile at the sight in front of me. We step out to explore the silent streets and wander along the waterfront. Aside from the boats, every single shop sells only one thing, neon signs.

Night of 2/27 - Morning of 2/28
A beautiful woman with beaming vibrant eyes is standing in front of me. Her smile is warm and she's holding a spoon filled with a glowing luminescent blue liquid up to my lips. I glance at the bottle in her left hand and it appears to be ancient as though it sat in a tomb for millions of moons; the kind of craftsmanship that doesn't exist today. It's made of glass and metal, embedded with stones. Before parting my lips I ask if the medicine may be expired as it seemed to be so old. She laughed and explained that there was no expiration date. It slid down my throat warming my body and made me feel like I was floating.

Night of 3/1 - Morning of 3/2
I was in a car with my first boyfriend though time wise it was present day. We were driving fast and passed a girl in her wedding dress and presumably her mother- both looking pissed as we drove by. "thanks for saving me from that." he said, dressed in a suit. I wasn't dressed up by any means and it became clear he felt I had somehow stopped his wedding? So we're driving up a windy road and the car no longer had a windshield. We come across a group of guys and their motorcycles drinking and they begin to throw eggs at us. I catch each one without them breaking. We stop the car and his friend Luke comes up. They start laughing and talking and drinking and being boys. I'm wandering around and come across people playing basketball and others on blankets having picnics. As I'm taking everything in, I look over and see the basketball just as it's hitting a small girls head decapitating her. No one moves and I'm filled with rage as I get closer screaming at them all the while. My screaming and words appear to make all the people picnicking notice what just happened and I see them stand slowly one by one, curious about the fuss being made. As I get closer myself, I realize the body is just that. A body. She was a doll. Not a little girl. No one had actually been harmed. My ex appears, drunk, and I tell Luke to go help his boy.