"In divinity opposites are always reconciled." - Walter M. Miller Jr
2 weeks ago I walked south along ocean beach, drinking in every detail I could. When it's difficult for me to really understand what I'm truly feeling, the world always tells me if I venture out solo. Being alone leaves absolutely no room for crossing my wires with anyone around me and everything I encounter feels like a more pure reflection.
On my morning run I stopped beneath a tree to sit, breathe and write in the sand. A man walking his 2 puppies joined me and began to tell me about the demeanor of his 2 dogs. The male he explained was a big chicken who barked at everyone until he knew them and the female was friendly but shy. A beetle landed on my hand and I came across a flock of birds whose species I don't recall ever seeing before.
Later that evening, the sky became a bleached rainbow and the ocean waves were just as gentle. I walked by a man flying a red kite and as the announcement of completing mile #2 played in my headphones, I realized I had walked into a giant heart with a crack running through it that someone had drawn in the sand. I stood dead center and laughed. Every little detail I had come across perfectly illustrated the myriad of feelings coursing through me. Walking back in the direction of home I bounced between the oddest combo of feeling sad and amused. A little girl wearing a mermaid tail sat right where the water was touching the sand and her Dad photographed her flipping her tail while laughing. Seeing her made me push the sadness away as I needed to make more room for the added amusement.
And then I sat and meticulously made my list of goals to achieve. A new found fire lit under my ass though I'm not sure how. My willpower felt like it had gone to shit over the last 10 years and it was time to invoke the stubborn, goal oriented scorpion I used to be. I had been slowly building up to this and it was time.
Plans. Whenever plans are written both in mind and ink and things seem to skew themselves, there's always that mild scent of chaos on the wind that marks the pot being stirred. While I did in fact write every day along with perform reiki and meditate, my clean eating was interrupted by glorious Mexican food *drool* and my every day exercise wasn't exactly every day anymore. But I traded running/walking for spurts of running uphill and swimming for hours. And while I may have indulged in huevos rancheros, I didn't even have one single french fry when we drove through McDonalds and every other person got food on our road trip.
Yesterday after spending a week down south and a few days nurturing myself, I returned to walk beside the ocean for the first time since that new moon. My intentions were many; exercise my body, charge with the vitamin D fueling this full moon, talk to the ocean and check in to see how I was feeling. The sky was filled with rays exploding behind dark clouds and I found myself running down blocks I generally walk. I wanted and needed to reach the ocean as quickly as possible. Before my feet even hit the sand, my eyes landed on a girl wearing a crown dancing in the sand while her sister sat a few feet away wearing a glitter black cat mask tied around her head with shiny black ribbons. I crossed the sand and as the completion of mile #1 was announced I decided I wasn't going to push myself physically or mentally. I'd let my shuffle continue to play and I'd walk as fast as I felt like, stopping whenever I pleased to look at or touch whatever I wanted. I had begun to take working out so seriously that I had forgotten the playful, light-hearted, less serious part of it that was just as important. As mile #2 was announced I swear I saw a shockwave ripple around me. In the exact same spot I had stood in the center of a cracked heart 2 weeks ago, now was a new heart someone had drawn filled with pieces of broken shells. Musing on this idea of broken hearts becoming broken shells and whole hearts I saw bright flashes of orange light at my feet.
When I stop to consider all that I've attracted (and that which I haven't) over the past 2 weeks, I'm presented with quite the spectrum of feelings I'm dancing through. Despite the shift in the sand art, my heart still feels broken in moments but maybe that's the point and in reconciling differences, broken is actually whole and healed or at least on its way?
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Body balance
Today was a complete and utter wash in so many ways. While my idea of productivity lately has been monitoring how far I can push myself physically, today I was prompted to remember the value in rest and how cleansing it too can be. After realizing I hadn't had a rest day in 2 weeks I allowed myself to feed the mildly sluggish feeling this morning and my body rejoiced.
It's about the balance and as an extremist I have to keep reminding myself of that...
It's about the balance and as an extremist I have to keep reminding myself of that...
Monday, August 25, 2014
Intensions
"At the atomic level, tension is produced when atoms or molecules are pulled apart from each other and gain electromagnetic potential energy."
It's a NEW MOON!!!!
...which means it's time to set intentions. Or as someone appropriately Freudian slipped last night, intensions.
I've never written mine publicly and truth be told haven't even set any in quite a few months now but change is good and feeling very necessary right about now. The Virgo new moon is ruled by Mercury - the messenger who darts between the realms of the gods and us humans. This moon is about communication and medicine or health, which also falls under Mercury's care. Our bodies and minds are constantly communicating with us if only we took the time to listen and remember the language.
It seems in some ways I'm ahead of this moon. I've been eating strictly vegan for the last month and monitoring my nutrition along with running/walking 8-10 miles a day and lifting weights. So in the physical sense I have to figure out a way to kick it up a notch. Mental health is just as important and on my daily morning runs I listen to Theta wave binaural beat music and "chant" affirmations simultaneously. Again, I'm feeling the need to kick it up a notch with this moon. So here they are, the tasks, thoughts, feelings, emotions and material goods I wish to charge with energy and manifest.
1. Write everyday. I took a major break and I'm not sure why. It's a habit I'd like to re-instill as it contributes to the health of the mind by encouraging processing, purging and creation.
2. Draw once a week or more. Another habit that disappeared...They say that life imitates art moreso than art imitates life. It's but another manifestation tool charged with the energy one invests into it.
3. Self Reiki + 30 min meditation every morning after running. I was all amped up and took both Reiki I and II in the beginning of the summer and it was amazing!!!! And then I got lazy and stopped it. As with anything, the more you flow it the easier it comes every time thereafter.
4. Less reading social media and more reading books. I have about 5 on my shelf waiting to be read. The urge to read rarely happens unless I begin it and then I'm ravenous. There's something to be said about the tactile organic nature of holding a book, feeling the paper between your fingertips and inhaling its story versus scrolling a glass screen.
5. Drink half my weight in ounces of water a day. No more excuses for lack of.
6. Opening new doors career wise down south. I don't want to live in SF much longer.
7. A new computer. I don't know how, when, why, who etc but it's the one material "thing" I've wanted for some time now and would help me tremendously with producing income for myself..
8. I'm asking for healing energy to be sent to every situation that's at odds right now. Cosmic vibrations shifted drastically about a month ago and while there's an amazing new frequency available for access to everyone, old paradigms must be dropped so new ones can be embraced. There's still some I've been struggling with personally and I see the struggle in friends and family along with in the media. I've bounced between old and new several times in the past month and this is my declaration that I will embrace the new and not get sucked into the old.
9. I will practice love as the law. For myself namely as that tends to be the most difficult for me in moments, but towards others as well. I will refrain from negative thoughts and be mindful of all that I take in and put out.
10. I will listen to and trust my inner voice and intuition. I will fearlessly express myself, trusting that when I have something to say, there's reason behind it even if I don't understand it in the moment.
And so it is...
It's a NEW MOON!!!!
...which means it's time to set intentions. Or as someone appropriately Freudian slipped last night, intensions.
I've never written mine publicly and truth be told haven't even set any in quite a few months now but change is good and feeling very necessary right about now. The Virgo new moon is ruled by Mercury - the messenger who darts between the realms of the gods and us humans. This moon is about communication and medicine or health, which also falls under Mercury's care. Our bodies and minds are constantly communicating with us if only we took the time to listen and remember the language.
It seems in some ways I'm ahead of this moon. I've been eating strictly vegan for the last month and monitoring my nutrition along with running/walking 8-10 miles a day and lifting weights. So in the physical sense I have to figure out a way to kick it up a notch. Mental health is just as important and on my daily morning runs I listen to Theta wave binaural beat music and "chant" affirmations simultaneously. Again, I'm feeling the need to kick it up a notch with this moon. So here they are, the tasks, thoughts, feelings, emotions and material goods I wish to charge with energy and manifest.
1. Write everyday. I took a major break and I'm not sure why. It's a habit I'd like to re-instill as it contributes to the health of the mind by encouraging processing, purging and creation.
2. Draw once a week or more. Another habit that disappeared...They say that life imitates art moreso than art imitates life. It's but another manifestation tool charged with the energy one invests into it.
3. Self Reiki + 30 min meditation every morning after running. I was all amped up and took both Reiki I and II in the beginning of the summer and it was amazing!!!! And then I got lazy and stopped it. As with anything, the more you flow it the easier it comes every time thereafter.
4. Less reading social media and more reading books. I have about 5 on my shelf waiting to be read. The urge to read rarely happens unless I begin it and then I'm ravenous. There's something to be said about the tactile organic nature of holding a book, feeling the paper between your fingertips and inhaling its story versus scrolling a glass screen.
5. Drink half my weight in ounces of water a day. No more excuses for lack of.
6. Opening new doors career wise down south. I don't want to live in SF much longer.
7. A new computer. I don't know how, when, why, who etc but it's the one material "thing" I've wanted for some time now and would help me tremendously with producing income for myself..
8. I'm asking for healing energy to be sent to every situation that's at odds right now. Cosmic vibrations shifted drastically about a month ago and while there's an amazing new frequency available for access to everyone, old paradigms must be dropped so new ones can be embraced. There's still some I've been struggling with personally and I see the struggle in friends and family along with in the media. I've bounced between old and new several times in the past month and this is my declaration that I will embrace the new and not get sucked into the old.
9. I will practice love as the law. For myself namely as that tends to be the most difficult for me in moments, but towards others as well. I will refrain from negative thoughts and be mindful of all that I take in and put out.
10. I will listen to and trust my inner voice and intuition. I will fearlessly express myself, trusting that when I have something to say, there's reason behind it even if I don't understand it in the moment.
And so it is...
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Melting the moon and swallowing shadows
It began one and a half moon cycles ago. I'm not sure why that Capricorn moon was so potent in shifting things but that's when I first began noticing the change. He was grumpy and virtually non responsive. It's funny how attached to people I still get. When I look at the number of those no longer in my life you'd think I'd learn to deal with people with a sense of detachment.
Whether he was aware of it or not, we had spent the previous 3 full moons together. "Can you see her yet? She's beautiful here." Despite the distance between us, photos were sent, conversations bounced back and forth all night through text and he serenaded me every time. My phone rang and music began to play. I'd picture him holding his phone up to his speaker and smile at the simple romanticism of it. They were all love songs with intense beats and soulful lyrics.
Coming from a man who I've struggled with since we met and whom I've loved more intensely than I've ever known before, I valued those moments maybe more than I should have. I honestly don't know. Either way when none of this happened in July I wondered if it was a fluke and tried to talk myself out of feeling disappointed. We began to plan travel together and therein began the disagreements and sponging each other's emotions...
After struggling in a more intimate manner for the past few years I've come to realize that we are catalysts for one another. For as much laughter, love, intense lust, and lighthearted silliness as we can share, there's been just as much darkness. We provoke each other like no other and for me, keen on shedding my skin and growing, I'd have it no other way. I value him immensely as he is the one who stands up to me and shows me what I'm not seeing about myself. One of my "problems" or rather part of my imbalance has been loving him to the detriment of loving myself. I was choosing someone else rather than myself. This has happened at numerous points in my life but only through the shadow he and I shared was I able to really truly clearly understand this and then transmute all the reasons as to why I was doing this. And it only took 4 years. :) It's that whole "put your own oxygen mask on first" thing. Which I love to preach to those around me who complain that I'm selfish but it was made glaringly clear to me that I wasn't actually following that "rule".
Two and a half moons cycles later and I'm finding myself overflowing with love. The kind that I haven't felt in awhile. The fearless kind. The unconditional kind. The kind that gives you enough adrenaline to lift a car and save a life. I woke up right before the earthquake this morning and as everything rocked and rolled I felt the shift in my soul. My heart cracked open and I knew it was time to speak my truth and be confident in living it trusting that all the pieces would fall where they're supposed to. Tonight I spoke what needed to be said rather than cowering passively as I had become so accustomed to doing. I lied to the world and myself for too long and it's been a tiring few years of sitting pretty afraid to offend anyone and lose them. I am not that weak girl ashamed of her voice or thoughts or desires or intuition anymore. I don't even know when I became her but I've loved the strength back into her.
On the cusp of this new Virgin moon, I'm exploding with energy as though it were a full one. I've healed myself and now it's time to truly help others the way I've been training to.
Whether he was aware of it or not, we had spent the previous 3 full moons together. "Can you see her yet? She's beautiful here." Despite the distance between us, photos were sent, conversations bounced back and forth all night through text and he serenaded me every time. My phone rang and music began to play. I'd picture him holding his phone up to his speaker and smile at the simple romanticism of it. They were all love songs with intense beats and soulful lyrics.
Coming from a man who I've struggled with since we met and whom I've loved more intensely than I've ever known before, I valued those moments maybe more than I should have. I honestly don't know. Either way when none of this happened in July I wondered if it was a fluke and tried to talk myself out of feeling disappointed. We began to plan travel together and therein began the disagreements and sponging each other's emotions...
After struggling in a more intimate manner for the past few years I've come to realize that we are catalysts for one another. For as much laughter, love, intense lust, and lighthearted silliness as we can share, there's been just as much darkness. We provoke each other like no other and for me, keen on shedding my skin and growing, I'd have it no other way. I value him immensely as he is the one who stands up to me and shows me what I'm not seeing about myself. One of my "problems" or rather part of my imbalance has been loving him to the detriment of loving myself. I was choosing someone else rather than myself. This has happened at numerous points in my life but only through the shadow he and I shared was I able to really truly clearly understand this and then transmute all the reasons as to why I was doing this. And it only took 4 years. :) It's that whole "put your own oxygen mask on first" thing. Which I love to preach to those around me who complain that I'm selfish but it was made glaringly clear to me that I wasn't actually following that "rule".
Two and a half moons cycles later and I'm finding myself overflowing with love. The kind that I haven't felt in awhile. The fearless kind. The unconditional kind. The kind that gives you enough adrenaline to lift a car and save a life. I woke up right before the earthquake this morning and as everything rocked and rolled I felt the shift in my soul. My heart cracked open and I knew it was time to speak my truth and be confident in living it trusting that all the pieces would fall where they're supposed to. Tonight I spoke what needed to be said rather than cowering passively as I had become so accustomed to doing. I lied to the world and myself for too long and it's been a tiring few years of sitting pretty afraid to offend anyone and lose them. I am not that weak girl ashamed of her voice or thoughts or desires or intuition anymore. I don't even know when I became her but I've loved the strength back into her.
On the cusp of this new Virgin moon, I'm exploding with energy as though it were a full one. I've healed myself and now it's time to truly help others the way I've been training to.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Que sera sera
I've been itching to write. About everything and about nothing. So much has happened since I last wrote yet at the same time nothing has actually changed. Yet. It feels like I'm cooking a feast and have spent days (months?) gathering ingredients, and then more days (months) preparing those ingredients. And for the past 2 weeks I've been slowly beginning to cook each dish for this feast. None of the courses are ready to be served just yet but the various aromas are swirling around, dancing in the air. My skin is soaked in these various scents, I'm hungry and it's almost time to eat... Finally.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Quality
I've been seeing this string of words, posted as a photo every so often recently on Instagram and Facebook. Of course, now I can't find it to post it but it says something along the lines of:
"Maybe your love isn't the problem, maybe it's the quality of people you're loving."
That's what I woke up with in my head this morning. And I'm torn. I genuinely believe everyone serves a purpose and everyone deserves love. Yet in keeping with the theme of my last post and believing things are never in our heads unnecessarily, I have to sit here and question the quality of nutrition I've allowed myself to digest in recent times. At this point, I don't feel I have room or time for anything not reciprocated.
As I sat at the beach the other day a friend called and ecstatically shared very personal news that she hadn't shared with anyone else. It was an honor, the level of trust she bestowed me and that I was the first she wanted to spill to. We've spoken maybe twice in like 7 months. She is a being who is living authentically, following her heart and though she may have a protective bubble being extremely sensitive, she doesn't have walls. She faces her true self and thus has no issues with facing others. She sees and honors the divinity in me and I in her.
And then I came home to a Facebook message from a very old friend. We'd had a falling out for reasons I don't remember. His short message requesting information of a mutual acquaintance placed the past in front of my face. He had written me a message in 2009 that I had never responded to. I used to make a habit of not dealing with any perceived conflict, not addressing anything that would make me overly emotional as I was already emotional enough. As I read his message from 2009, he said to me "I had never been so honest to a single human being including myself". That statement hit and vibrated through every cell in my body.
After being (I believe) unintentionally gaslit for the past few years by several people, somehow, someway my head was scrambled into believing I was somehow lying to myself. Constantly questioning, what is it they're seeing that I'm not? What am I lying to myself about? And confusion only made me vibrate lower than I naturally do, drawing even more liars into my life. Like does attract like after all.
I woke up this morning with a swollen heart. I cried for those I love so dearly and for myself. For naively allowing myself to be gaslit. Projection is a tricky one but my eyes feel more open now than ever before and I'm confident in the hand I hold and know what it is I emit. Just because I see people's higher selves, doesn't mean they do and while I'll always feel a devotion to those I love, I've come to the conclusion that liars and gas lighters need to be kept at a distance. I only wish to be surrounded by people living authentically. People who are honest with themselves and thus honest with me. People who believe in themselves and believe in magic. Those with open minds who trust themselves and in turn trust those around them. Maktub.
"Maybe your love isn't the problem, maybe it's the quality of people you're loving."
That's what I woke up with in my head this morning. And I'm torn. I genuinely believe everyone serves a purpose and everyone deserves love. Yet in keeping with the theme of my last post and believing things are never in our heads unnecessarily, I have to sit here and question the quality of nutrition I've allowed myself to digest in recent times. At this point, I don't feel I have room or time for anything not reciprocated.
As I sat at the beach the other day a friend called and ecstatically shared very personal news that she hadn't shared with anyone else. It was an honor, the level of trust she bestowed me and that I was the first she wanted to spill to. We've spoken maybe twice in like 7 months. She is a being who is living authentically, following her heart and though she may have a protective bubble being extremely sensitive, she doesn't have walls. She faces her true self and thus has no issues with facing others. She sees and honors the divinity in me and I in her.
And then I came home to a Facebook message from a very old friend. We'd had a falling out for reasons I don't remember. His short message requesting information of a mutual acquaintance placed the past in front of my face. He had written me a message in 2009 that I had never responded to. I used to make a habit of not dealing with any perceived conflict, not addressing anything that would make me overly emotional as I was already emotional enough. As I read his message from 2009, he said to me "I had never been so honest to a single human being including myself". That statement hit and vibrated through every cell in my body.
After being (I believe) unintentionally gaslit for the past few years by several people, somehow, someway my head was scrambled into believing I was somehow lying to myself. Constantly questioning, what is it they're seeing that I'm not? What am I lying to myself about? And confusion only made me vibrate lower than I naturally do, drawing even more liars into my life. Like does attract like after all.
I woke up this morning with a swollen heart. I cried for those I love so dearly and for myself. For naively allowing myself to be gaslit. Projection is a tricky one but my eyes feel more open now than ever before and I'm confident in the hand I hold and know what it is I emit. Just because I see people's higher selves, doesn't mean they do and while I'll always feel a devotion to those I love, I've come to the conclusion that liars and gas lighters need to be kept at a distance. I only wish to be surrounded by people living authentically. People who are honest with themselves and thus honest with me. People who believe in themselves and believe in magic. Those with open minds who trust themselves and in turn trust those around them. Maktub.
Friday, April 18, 2014
I'm going hunting... I'm the hunter.
Yesterday concluded a chapter and a lesson that had weaved it's way through several chapters prior, beginning I believe, when I moved to New York. Somehow I shapeshifted into a scavenger rather than a hunter.
Last week at work our new vet tech was explaining to me how stray dogs will literally eat rocks if they can't find meat. Just so that there's something in their stomach. Something to weigh them down offering the illusion of being full. While I can't say I've even metaphorically eaten rocks, I definitely have scavenged and accepted whatever I could find regardless of the quality of nutrition it offered me. When you feel like you're starving, I suppose anything will do and my tendency to "find the good" in everything didn't help my cause. I fucking missed being a hunter.
So yesterday I quit my job. Like so many other things I accepted over the past few years, it was a position or role I was cast into by others rather than one I wanted and chose for myself. I felt empowered by my decision knowing that I deserve more across the board and proud for standing up for myself. As I relayed what happened afterwards to my best friend, all kinds of things that ended in my favor that I had forgotten returned to the forefront of my mind and I felt yet another surge of power. Yesterday I was fire. And it's only just begun.
While addressing a complaint he had a few weeks ago, it became clear I had the same complaint. We allow ourselves limitations for a myriad of reasons. Either we don't feel worthy of something greater, or we end up feeling responsible for someone else's happiness, or we feel we must adhere to the rules we've agreed to. Yet, at any time, we can change our course. My excuse in NY was that I had to wait my lease out, when in fact the management company was perfectly fine with signing it over to someone else. I set myself free by communicating what I wanted, what I knew my soul needed. Life always helps you out when you allow your heart to guide you. The universe does in fact conspire and bend to your will.
And so once again I set myself free from the limitations I imposed upon myself. Blank slate on which to create. It's hunting season and the earth is ripe for fertilization.
Last week at work our new vet tech was explaining to me how stray dogs will literally eat rocks if they can't find meat. Just so that there's something in their stomach. Something to weigh them down offering the illusion of being full. While I can't say I've even metaphorically eaten rocks, I definitely have scavenged and accepted whatever I could find regardless of the quality of nutrition it offered me. When you feel like you're starving, I suppose anything will do and my tendency to "find the good" in everything didn't help my cause. I fucking missed being a hunter.
So yesterday I quit my job. Like so many other things I accepted over the past few years, it was a position or role I was cast into by others rather than one I wanted and chose for myself. I felt empowered by my decision knowing that I deserve more across the board and proud for standing up for myself. As I relayed what happened afterwards to my best friend, all kinds of things that ended in my favor that I had forgotten returned to the forefront of my mind and I felt yet another surge of power. Yesterday I was fire. And it's only just begun.
While addressing a complaint he had a few weeks ago, it became clear I had the same complaint. We allow ourselves limitations for a myriad of reasons. Either we don't feel worthy of something greater, or we end up feeling responsible for someone else's happiness, or we feel we must adhere to the rules we've agreed to. Yet, at any time, we can change our course. My excuse in NY was that I had to wait my lease out, when in fact the management company was perfectly fine with signing it over to someone else. I set myself free by communicating what I wanted, what I knew my soul needed. Life always helps you out when you allow your heart to guide you. The universe does in fact conspire and bend to your will.
And so once again I set myself free from the limitations I imposed upon myself. Blank slate on which to create. It's hunting season and the earth is ripe for fertilization.
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