So I'm having a bit of an identity...crisis? I'm not sure that's the proper word or even term though as it reeks of dramatic overtones. The feeling I'm attempting to describe is more like a gentle gnawing akin to when you're trying to remember something, its on the tip of your tongue but your brain hasn't made that connection just yet. And it's fucking annoying.
While watching a tv show last night there was a scene in which the "master" says to the student something along the lines of "you're nearly at the completion of your mission. As you know, it is vital that you review where you began, why you began and what you've accomplished in the duration." This exchange (obviously) stood out to me.
When I made the decision to leave New York, I wasn't sure where that choice would leave me job wise and I now find myself shrouded in conflicting thoughts musing to myself about what it all means. I agree with my uncles statement above, and yet for the entire duration of my participation as a working being, I always took the utmost pride in my job. I wore whatever the title was as some sort of accolade to my existence. Yes, it's very much an ego thing but I felt proud with each proclamation: "I am a counselor/teacher/biologist/personaltrainer/makeup artist/bartender" I've had 1 job in 20 years that I did not immerse myself in wholly. 1 job that I didn't love in some capacity. 1 job that was, just a job. It lasted 2 months and I loathed every moment I spent there.
With no means of consistent income since late September, I've had numerous voices from various sources advise me that a job can just be a job and to just get one. And then there are the other voices from various sources proclaiming that when you love what you do, it's not work at all. #ilovemyjob #followyourheart Along with the fact that I suppose I've been spoiled to some degree. The amount of money I've earned per hour has risen successively with every single job I've held. Until now.
Venus goes direct today. She has been retrograde since December 21st and frankly I'm a bit surprised I was able to gain employment at all while she sat in her corner prompting everything she rules- love and money, or more aptly value, be reviewed. And as life would have it, just as she takes her first steps forward in every beings life once again, Mars has collided with my own natal Venus and Pluto. An orgasmic threesome that will play together until July. The fruits of which I will take great pleasure in birthing.
I want to devour my cake. What the fuck is the point of having something you cannot consume? Or rather be consumed by? I'm thinking it's all a matter of balance or temperance and that kinda feels like it'll be a theme this year.
I grew up in a household where my father owned (still does) his own business. He insisted on doing it all himself and has never hired employees. He loves what he does and perhaps that notion has been my strongest guide in shaping the way I navigate my life. Yet if one were to review our family life growing up, he was absent from many vacations and school functions as work nearly always took precedence. While I can't wait for the day that I hold a job I'm passionate about, that doesn't feel like work, I'm also becoming aware of the need for balance. My entire world doesn't need to revolve around my career.
Along with all of these feelings, I'm at a point where I'm trying to figure out how to reintegrate the facets of myself that have laid dormant while still maintaining what I've invested in for the past 10 years. I don't want to stop doing makeup. Yet solely doing makeup isn't fulfilling enough. For now, I suppose I'm off to a start of some kind. I'm working in an animal hospital 3 days a week leaving the other 4 open for freelance work. Tomorrow I'm shooting a lookbook with a photographer whose work I genuinely like and I'm hoping that this will possibly be the beginning of establishing myself in the SF commercial scene.
Career wise, this is all fantastic and lovely but it brings me back to my uncles statement and a scene from August 2010 floods my head. I am sitting on the futon in my living room and my two friends are sitting on the couch opposite me. "You're the caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland. Who are you?", states my twin. And there it is. The best answer I can muster up is that I am love. A malleable energy that shifts and shapes itself into what it needs to be at the given moment. A healer. A kaleidoscope of possibilities to those with vision. A flood of darkness to those afraid of their shadow. Welcome back to orbit Venus.