I weaved my way through the flailing sea of bodies splashed with light and color, shrouded in sound and sweat, dripping with sexuality. Amidst the chaos, I mused to myself how well I moved despite how much time had passed. Though I was out of shape, in some way I am now even more precise with my movements than I was before. Surveying the crowd before me, this entire scene was my definition of an absolute nightmare while in New York and I was proud to be navigating it as well as I did.
I don't know how or why I came to feel as I did living out east but much like an addict who couldn't leave home without drugs, it came to be that I rarely left home without protection. Whether that protection was a hood for my head, headphones for my ears, herbs or any combination of crystals worn in my bra or carried in my pocket, I nearly alway had a defense mechanism on me. I always trust my instincts so I know these things were necessary to balance out the energy fields around me at the time so it amused me that last night enveloped in a sea of utter revelry and chaos, I didn't feel I needed any of them.
This isn't to say I've reverted back to allowing everything into my bubble though. I suppose my bubble just feels stronger organically as it is without the need for added assistance. It's an odd paradox as my body feels more tired - unaccustomed to this environment, yet my mind and spirit are strong enough to handle it.
Sunday a guy stopped me while I was working inquiring about my sexuality and "situation". Over the course of the next few hours he stopped me every opportunity he could in an attempt to gain more insight into what I was about and to sell himself to me. "How are you satisfied sexually?" While this question would have offended me in a major way in the past, I simply retorted that it was a loaded question and not appropriate to be asking. "But this environment is a sexually charged one." Looking around, I realized that what he said was true and that statement woke me up a bit. After spending years of my life laboring away at the club, it was an aspect I suppose I had forgotten as my purpose there 9 times out of 10 was simply to make money.
His statement and questions returned to my brain as I walked around working last night after having several women make the same inquiry. And then her words echoed in my head.
"I never realized how unfulfilling it is to be with someone lacking depth."
What did it feel like exactly? Explain.
"It felt like part of me was missing. I tried to share all of myself but she just didn't get it. She couldn't. She wasn't capable, so I just stopped talking. It was unbelievably frustrating once I came to the realization. I'm so happy you're back."
Her feeling is one I haven't known for years but I remember the frustration. I remember in some way feeling bad and almost...pity? That pity kept me beside the individual in some way for years. But once I finally let that relationship go, I was more aware of the quality of connection I desired and never settled for less.
As I worked last night, the last moments of the year brought to light how much I've changed. Walking through memories in a space that held so many, I was reminded of what I want, what I need and proud that I haven't settled. Where some seek to explore and live "freely" sexually, indulging in whatever or whomever their senses are delighted by in the moment, I'm now at a point where my bubble is strong and purposeful. I have spent years purging my spirit and don't want to create astral attachments based in momentary carnal attraction. I used to scoff at religion and the idea of waiting to have sex until marriage. I still scoff at religion and don't believe in waiting until marriage but over the past few years I've realized and directly felt the sacred quality that exists when you share sexual energy with a person. As a woman, to allow a person to physically enter me means that I am also allowing their spirit, their soul, their beliefs, their desires, their fears, their emotions, their feelings, their needs to exist within me. We essentially become tied to one another in the astral realm for a time. Through the act of sex, I make space for them to exist within me. As a selfish person, that's kind of a big deal in my world as I don't have time nor energy to deal with most people's shit. I will not risk attaching myself to anyone lacking depth for momentary pleasure.
Reflecting upon my growth, I realized I'm finally gaining ground again. I feel confident and comfortable and strong in my decisions and my existence. Part of me died last year and it feels like she's finally been laid to rest. I think I'll grow quite fond of her replacement.